Don't date a Mystic

    I love this piece of writing so much: Don't date a Mystic

Reality Check

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I sit here terrified. I have butterflies, I'm nauseous and I'm literally shaking. I'm thinking to myself this is what I have wanted to do for years, why am I so damned scared?! This is my demon, this post, or rather my fears about how others will judge me, how it will affect me, my business, my love life. You see I have worked so many years on myself and my gifts and having been a self proclaimed 'perfectionist' for so many years, well, this isn't my favorite cup of Jasmine Tea, this exposure, this baring it all. But I am not one to let my fears rule me any more, in fact I'm more likely to run screaming like a banshee straight at them, sword raised and shitting myself the whole damn way. So here goes, if you liked the mental picture of me screaming into battle, please have a laugh and read with an open mind. This is who I have been and who I have become, why, how, my struggles I've been through, my demons I've fought and why I pass on what I have learned.

I grew up in Montana, right at the foot of the rocky mountains, on an isolated 200 acre 'ranch' where we were payed six hundred dollars a month for a family of four to care-take 24-7, 365 days a year. We lived twenty min from town on a gravel road from hell. I was four when we moved there and I spent a huge portion of my life growing up there in that isolation. My father was ex-military, an Air Force Staff Sergeant when he left or was discharged, so he told us, I honestly do not know the circumstances. My mother was a California wild child, studying to be a nurse before she left and moved to Montana. Granted, my parents met, fell in love and got married. They are married to this day. I had three siblings, a younger sister and two considerably younger brothers who I helped welcome into this world as the midwifes 'assistant' while in my early teens, it traumatized me because so many things went wrong and both times we almost lost my mother and my brothers. For the first years of my life, my family was of a generic christian faith, we didn't attend church but bible studied with others on a regular basis. We dressed normal, looked normal, sounded normal and had 'normal' friends. Just any other Montana country family. However behind the scenes, things were not as normal as they seemed. My father had hang ups about sexuality, women, masturbation- right down to checking underwear...oh yes, that far, the government, the church, control issues, hard punishment etc (all of which would have had us removed from our family if only someone had known) he was very puritanical in his views and while I am sure he believed he was doing the right things by his daughters, it never the less, created issues for both me and my sister both while at home and later on in life.

I was ten when we got involved with the Amish. They moved into our town and on visiting their store, my parents became interested in their way of life. After bible studying for a short while with the Amish, my mother became convinced that us girls needed to dress 'modestly' ie in neck to ankle plain dresses. Within a few weeks she became convinced we also needed to cover our heads/hair ie with a scarf. When this happened, I rebelled, I was ten and I set my foot down, I would not do it. Dresses were one thing, whatever, but  not a head scarf. My mother threatened to shave my head because of a passage of misinterpreted bible scripture, that had been translated, if a woman didn't cover her head, then let her be shaven. I bawled but I would not give in, I said shave it then. After a few months of me refusing, making friends among the Amish kids and getting tired of the questions they kept asking me about why my family cover their heads, but why not me? I caved and wore one just because. I hated it. And I hated my mother and father for pushing something on us that was in my eyes ridiculous and based on bullshit, yes, I thought that at ten. During this time I began to home-school which worked well for me to a certain point as I loved to read, in fact I read voraciously everything I could get my hands on. However having my father 'teach' me mathematics did me no favors, as mathematics made no sense to me and well, my father wasn't the most patient or understanding of teachers and I am sure I was not the most willing student of that subject. It was at this point I began to see the hypocrisy in religion and people and I began to become a very angry and frustrated young woman. Even at that young age, I already was seeing into the spirit world, knowing answers before hand and knowing when people were lying to me. We spent two years consistently engaged with the Amish community on a daily basis and another two at least a couple days a week. I became best friends with a young man named Luke and well at twelve I had my first crush and first love. At the end it became apparent that my fathers attempts to convert them to his particular brand of belief and leadership, wasn't going to happen, and Luke's family became worried that he would marry an 'english' girl ie. me who was not Amish. One day we went to visit and they had packed and were moving to Michigan, I never saw or heard from Luke again. Loosing Luke and not being able to say good-bye traumatized me so badly I retreated into myself. I stopped speaking unless I had to. I wore all black. I started reading Tarot, interpreting my dreams and working with energy and spirits because I felt that humanity had damned itself and I wasn't going to have anything to do with it. During this time I spent a lot of time training horses, spending immense amounts of time alone, riding horse back through the wilds at the base of the rocky mountains. I began to learn the languages of plants, trees, rocks, nature and animal spirits. My ability to sense energy and commune with the wild in nature began to make me so sensitive, that being around people, their homes, in town etc became a nightmare. I avoided eye contact. I HATED the world and every human in it. I despised others, I can't even manage to put into words how much HATE and rage I felt every moment, of every day. The only love and acceptance I felt in my life during these years was from the spirits I befriended and worked with.

In spite of myself, I got my first official job working as the city judges clerk at sixteen. As I worked the job I got more and more depressed by watching people of every age, race and sex walk through those doors for every kind of issue you could think of. Eventually I left the job and worked part time a various jobs etc growing more and more angry and hate filled, as my eyes were opened to truly see the lies and bullshit that were going on around me and in me. During this time we started making trips to the town north of my hometown to bible study with a family who lived there. At this time my father began to get deeper into Judaism and began to blend it with his own brand of 'Christianity'. It was also at this time I began to study Hebrew and Greek and re-translate bible passages in hopes of finding some bit of the truth the authors were trying to convey and which drove a wedge between my father and I, who, while proud of my intelligence, was disturbed and dismissive of my findings, first because I was a female and secondly because it refuted his theology. His defining regretful statement to me was "your curse, is to see to much". I also at this time began to design and construct lap Harps and free standing harps, I learned to carve very well and began to study musical instrument theory and design, woodworking and devoured everything I could find on the subjects. I sewed all my own clothes, made handmade quilts and hand quilted them. I also began to cook almost all the meals for my family and got very good at cooking and baking, especially baking bread. On my 19th birthday I started a job, working for a man who ran a photo shop. He was an ex high school teacher and football coach. He was strict, serious, intelligent and the man who started to open my eyes to the possibility that I could change my mind. I worked for 'Bud' until my family decided to quit their care-taking job and purchase a piece of land, in that town, north of my home town, with money inherited from the passing of my grandfather. I left no human friends behind.

The land my father purchased was 'untamed' and pretty much untouched, other then a small, run down, un-insulated house in which we lived. As I said it had no insulation, no foundation, with just a 'well' for water, basic electric and wood stove for heat. When the wind blew, which it did a lot, the curtains moved. Our floor was bare unpainted plywood with nothing between it and the dirt below but three feet of air. By this time there were six in my family, my little brothers were walking and the littlest just learning to talk. Within a short time I began to work for a family we bible studied with, who lived just down the road. I learned to cut and lay stone and tile, began making mosaic tile entryways using stone I collected and cut from the mountains around the valley. I did nanny work for the man I worked for, he had seven children, all girls except for one boy. I volunteered at the bookstore. Joined a group of misfit teenagers, who drank tea, debated the worlds ills, talked philosophy and made movies. For a while my life seemed ok. I spent most of my time with the family next door whose children I helped care for and whose father I worked for. I looked up to the father and he became a second dad to me in many ways. Although still preoccupied with my spirit life and necessary isolated journeys into nature, I had made some superficial friends, I had a couple jobs, a car and was out of my families home.

It was during this time in my life, that the most frightening and dark experience of my life happened. I had just turned 21. I had never had a boyfriend, plenty of crushes but nothing came of them. The 14 year old had started to hate on me for various reasons, mostly I think of the time I spent working with her dad, that she didn't get, poor girl. She had told her cousin, she thought I was a lesbian because I didn't have a boyfriend. Done in innocence of what was to come, I never blamed her or any of the people involved, but it scared me for years, how ignorance and fear can drive normal caring people to do crazy things. I am just plain lucky I got out of that situation and town alive. Her cousin told the older sister, who told the mother, who told her brother and the man I worked for and who's children I helped care for. By the time it got to the dad I worked for, the story was I was Lesbian, and taking care of his children because he had six girls. He freaked, assuming I was molesting his girls for whatever reason, or however he reasoned out, that I just 'might' be. He came home early that day and escorted me into his wife and his bedroom and locked the door. He shoved me and told me to sit down. He proceeded to yell and scream at me while asking me questions over and over again about my sexual preferences, his daughters and had I ever touched them in any way that was wrong. He threatened to call the police and send me to prison since I was over 21. I sat there weeping, shaking, numb and scared out of my mind, trying to get him to understand I had never and would never do such things ever. I didn't know what a Lesbian was or anything about why it was so wrong in his eyes. I had no idea about regular sexuality let alone alternative lifestyles and I had to ask him what he meant and what he was asking about, which made him get even angrier as he assumed I was lying to him for some reason. Four hour's later, his wife came home, unlocked the bedroom door and told him to stop threatening me and let me out. I spent the next two hours in the bathroom crying and shaking, I was so terrified to come out, I literally could not turn the door knob. The father called my dad at that point to tell him the rumors and ask him to 'pray about it' and see what 'God' said I had done. My own father called him back thirty minutes later to tell him that "'God' had said I HAD molested his girls". However while I was in the bathroom and before my father called him back, the kids, who had overheard the screaming and yelling, came to their father and told him that I had never done anything to them. He asked them all several times, different questions and they told him the truth, that no, I had never touched them or anything that was inappropriate. Finally his wife unlocked the bathroom door and talked to me, apologizing for what happened and trying to get me to calm down. I left less then a month later, moving back home. However the rumors had been started and being a small town, everyone knew and turned their back on me in spite of the fact I had done nothing. I spent the next two months in isolation, barely talking, spending most days and large parts of the evenings outside, communing with spirit and trying to piece myself back together. I learned to forgive, there in nature, looking up at the stars, listening to the land speak to me about cycles and energy, about mirrors and symbols. There in nature, the land and my soul taught me the language of life and how to read and understand it. At the end of those couple months, I called my aunt who lived in Washington and who I barely knew and asked if I could stay with her for a couple months while I got a job and an apartment. She agreed and I drove from Montana to Washington, leaving my family, my past and most everything I owned, to start my own life.

I moved to Washington, took the GED exam and passed two questions shy of acing the exam. Lived on an 'Island', with my aunt for a few months and at first the noise and energy pollution stressed me out really badly. I know, looking back at it, it wasn't that terrible, but for me, tuned to nature as I was, it seemed unbearable. My savior was the ocean and what time I spent there. I got a job and a place to live, and spent the next three years of my life a work obsessed alcoholic. I literally worked and drank myself stupid for three whole years. Pneumonia saved my life. When I realized I had walking pneumonia and was progressively getting worse and we are talking a month plus into being sick. That I could barely force myself our of bed to go to work, let alone breathe or talk, not to mention the constant nightmares I was having about my job and memories. I payed up my rent and car for two months, put in my two weeks notice and walked away from college, alcohol and my 'life'. I spent the next two months smoking weed (what an interesting and beautiful plant spirit..I am indebted to her), bbqing with friends and healing up. Those honestly were some of the happiest days I'd ever had outside of my time away from humanity. I finally got another job, gave up my new car and walked or rode bike and bus to a simple job in manufacturing. About this time of my life I began to notice men, or rather boys masquerading as men. I lost my virginity at 25 and spent the next two and a half years having horrible sexual experiences, granted there was not a lot of them, but they were enough. By this time I had seriously began to apply what nature and spirit had taught me, to my own self and life. I stopped blaming others, beginning to understand how I was creating my own horrible life experiences and for the first time in my life, I began to understand other people. I began to be less hate filled, more understanding and this provoked me to work harder on myself. I used the men and women around me to learn about myself and as I did so, I gained a promotion and fell in love- with a married man, oh yes, I know but honestly nothing ever came of it and he was the most effective teacher I've had as far as transforming my outlook on myself and life. The funny thing? He never knew he was doing so. By the time I was 27 I had become celibate and even though in love, I continued even harder on my self work. I began to succeed. For my 28 birthday I got 'spayed', yes I'm joking but seriously my tiger totem gets it lol. I had realized that although I loved children, I didn't want any of my own for various reasons which I am sure you can guess at from my past. In the past four years of my life, I have had many experiences and learned many things. I finally began to feel I had gotten a handle on myself enough to feel a sense of mastery, at which spirit pushed me to begin sharing what I had been taught and learned to others who sought me out.

Today, I smoke cigarettes; I started a little over a year ago due to some seriously stressful experiences and wish I hadn't, but have succeeded in going from up to two packs a day to 3-4 cigarettes a day and starting next week to a vapor pen, with my goal to quit completely by February, for no other reason then I have always hated cigarettes, their smell and their legacy. I smoke a little weed on the occasion instead of drinking in social situations- if its there, for no other reason then I enjoy it, its now legal in Washington and its not bad for my health in the ways alcohol is and she, the plants spirit, has taught me about letting go and learning to trust, have fun and enjoy life. I am unemployed from my seven and a half year career as a Senior Quality Technician due to my plant company being bought out and then promptly shut down and trying to start my own business as suggested by spirit and my own soul- as some of you already know. Its been a hard thing for me to choose to give up that rigid control of my income and the security that it brought, in favor of surrender to who I really am, what my real work is and trusting the universe and my own self to lead my life in productive and life affirming  ways. Especially ones that feed, nurture and grow the whole of myself even more then my journey already has. I may or may not succeed in this venture but as I was told, at least reach out and see if you can really fly. I at this point in my life have no legacy, family or specific tradition other then the ones my Soul and spirit world bring to me. I can honestly say I am truly happy, more at peace with change and the unknown, hate and judge no one and am coming into my authentic self. I still go through shadow moments but they no longer trap me like they used to, given the tools I earned, I can now quickly work through any issue that arises and move it into a healthier mindset. I am not perfect. I am not faking any of this story of my life. I am not faking anything so far as I am aware, I still find little things I lie to myself about now and then but I abhor those things and deal with them promptly.

So in conclusion, the grammar prudes will probably have a hey day with this post but I have told this story of my life not because it defines me anymore, not that its everything I ever experienced, good luck trying to fit 32 years into one blog post lol- but so others can see I have been through some shit just like everyone else, some worse, some not so bad. I identify with every single person I come across because I can see myself in your eyes, and while I empathize, I will not lie to you. What I will do is tell you the truth I have learned and pass on the knowledge and tools I have worked so hard for and been so generously given, to work through your own life, find your own authentic self and move beyond the hurt, depression, frustration and sadness you experience. And hopefully with perseverance, a little encouragement and some simple ways to change how you view yourself, your world and your experiences, you to will clear your own journey to a better life. I walk beside you, not in front and like the tarot Hermit card, I am merely a lantern at the crossroads of life for those who care to have a little light shed into the unknown of their life.

Here's to life, it's twists, turns and practical jokes! Thank you for taking the time to read my story and I hope its a little clearer picture of who I am and what I'm all about.